Comfort
What is it about Hot Chocolate that is so comforting? It should have the same level of comfort as Chocolate right? Same taste just different form but somehow chocolate is more exciting, more passionate. Hot Chocolate is warm pj’s and a Snuggie.
So why do I need comforting on New Years Day? Don’t get me wrong I am very excited about the year ahead. I know that my health will only get better and I am so close to healthy weight range that I don’t ever think that I will be overweight ever again. A few wines too many last night has created a sluggish sensation today and coupled with the fact that Ian has reverted back to his old self has left me feeling unloved, unmotivated and uncaring.
There are so many things I should be thinking about now: the last of my assignments, finding a job, setting up my business, my finances. However I only can think about the fact that I am still alone. The biggest sting is that I enjoy being alone. Yes strange as it sounds, I love nothing more than enjoying my own thoughts, relaxing in my own space and making my own decisions. Yet part of me wants that other person, well honestly I think about kids mostly. Shaping little minds and spirits but occasionally like today I want “the other half”. I want someone who will share their paper with me but also feel so passionately about me that they would do anything to have me. Its a sad event when you realise sex has become Hot Chocolate rather than Lindt Chocolate Balls.
So back to Ian, how do I play it? Ignore him, Aloofishness, lay it out. Should I even do anything? When I think about it what do I want from him? Things couldn’t be the way they have been. It has always been a one sided power thing and for us to work it would have to be equal. Further than that we couldn’t be anything casual. Ian and I have been too far down that track, we would have to be serious and by serious I mean the full commitment. He either doesn’t care about me enough or doesn’t care about himself enough. I am so confused in my mind about Ian that it doesn’t surprise me that we can maintain a friendship.
So back the Hot Chocolate that I have consumed whilst writing this. It’s smooth, chocolaty and warm. Pure Comfort.
